


He deserves better

by APlagueOnBothYourHouses



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Bad Parent Maryse Lightwood, Bad Parent Robert Lightwood, Homophobia, I just love projecting onto characters ok?, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized Homophobia, Izzy Jace Clary Max and Simon are mentioned but not in the story, M/M, Nothing explicit, but like barely there allusions to it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-28
Updated: 2017-01-28
Packaged: 2018-09-20 08:36:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,255
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9483089
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/APlagueOnBothYourHouses/pseuds/APlagueOnBothYourHouses
Summary: They didn’t deserve Alec, the very same Alec who hid who he was for years to keep some outdated sense of shame from the shoulders of not just his parents but Izzy, Max and Jace too. Alec who possessed a stunning smile and a wicked sense of humor, Alec who would literally give his life if it meant helping someone he loved. Alec, who didn’t know his own worth as a person- kind, caring, awkward, self-sacrificing Alec. It was enough to make Magnus hate the Institute and most of the people in it even more but somehow Alec didn’t want to burn it to the ground. Somehow he stayed loyal to the people who demeaned him, and they were luckier than they’d ever know. Because Magnus knew that if Alec so much as thought about it, the warlock would tear their society apart brick by brick.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Listen, I'm a vent-author and I project my own feelings onto characters. There is a brief allusion to self-harm and there's a lot of talk about self-hatred so if you can't handle those things I won't be hurt if you click back now. As for the story, it was written quickly and only got a cursory glance over so there's probably some mistakes.
> 
> With that in mind, I hope you enjoy!

Magnus was too old to be so smitten with a _shadowhunter_ of all things. He had only known Alec for a short time, though they’d definitely made good impressions with each other. Alec was unused to the attention Magnus gave him, and when they had first met he was so closed off to his emotions he might as well have been Vulcan. Alec had been, and in many ways still was, repressed.

Despite that, he’d done _something_ to Magnus, who hadn’t felt attracted to someone the way he was to Alec in decades. He also hadn’t felt the sinking feeling of rejection in that same amount of time. Then Alec proposed to Lydia and it had almost physically _hurt_. When Isabelle invited him to Alec’s wedding, Magnus had had half a mind to set said invitation on fire, make a cocktail and not dwell on the idea of _them_  and what they _could_ have had _._ But something had stopped him. Be it some naive, foolish hope that he might have something, nay someone, as beautiful and kind and _good_ as Alexander or maybe because he found himself unfortunately fond of Isabelle as well, he didn’t know. Her dedication to her brother’s happiness had been charming, but mostly she’d reminded Magnus of himself. She was sure and confident and brilliantly beautiful, and she wanted her brother to be unashamedly himself, the way she was with her own identity. Damned Lightwoods. Suffice to say he didn’t destroy the invitation. In fact he’d attended the wedding- as the guest of honor no less.

Alec, for all his brooding silences and sarcasm was dreadfully shy-which often left him a  stuttering mess, forced to mutter nonsense under his breath. It was a quality that embarrassed the young shadowhunter to no end but more often than not left Magnus staring at him with a disgustingly fond smile. Many times when Alexander floundered with his words, his eyes would meet Magnus’ and a small smile would play at his lips until it formed into a rare grin. Those little moments where Alec _couldn’t_ explain himself but Magnus just _knew_ were cherished by both of them. And while Magnus knew far too much about the Lightwood family to think that Alec’s absolute lack of social skills came from anywhere _but_ Maryse and Robert’s _stellar_ parenting, he also accepted that the instilled awkwardness was very much a part of his Alexander. The Lightwood parents still sneered at their relationship, even though said relationship was undefined at the best of times. That woman, not fit to be the mother of three bright, considerate, _wonderful_ children (and Jace, Magnus added mentally), spat the out the word ‘warlock’ as though just the act of speaking the word would curse her. She used his very being as an attack against him, and while Magnus wasn’t young enough to be properly hurt, there was a sting that never quite went away. His magic was a part of his very being and even though it wasn’t exactly the same, he often wondered if Alec had felt that same hollow ache in his chest growing up.

As used to shadowhunter superiority as Magnus was, his heart truly did break for the younger man. Alec wasn’t naive, he’d grown up in nephilim society and despite their class differences he’d been abused by the very same system that despised Magnus. Despite this, he’d still had an ounce of innocent, childlike hope that his parents wouldn’t turn their backs on him for being gay. They did. And they did so with cutting remarks and scathing judgement that was just low key enough for them to get away with doing it in public. Just as the word ‘warlock’ was said with disdain, any time Alec’s relationship with Magnus was mentioned, Maryse and Robert would practically ooze disgust like demonic ichor and hiss out how they ‘didn’t understand’ how ‘any son of theirs could do this to their family’. They sometimes acted as though Magnus turned their son into some abomination (“with my magical dick,” Magnus would sometimes joke, _and_ take sadistic pleasure when Alec inevitably choked on his virgin water.) But with each passing day, Magnus could see that despite his attempts at being casual, the strain of their disapproval weighed heavily on his nephilim’s mind.

They didn’t deserve Alec, the very same Alec who hid who he was for years to keep some outdated sense of shame from the shoulders of not just his parents but Izzy, Max and Jace too. Alec who possessed a stunning smile and a wicked sense of humor, Alec who would literally give his life if it meant helping someone he loved. Alec, who didn’t know his own worth as a person- kind, caring, awkward, self-sacrificing _Alec_ . It was enough to make Magnus hate the Institute and most of the people in it even more but _somehow_ Alec didn’t want to burn it to the ground. Somehow he stayed loyal to the people who demeaned him, and they were luckier than they’d ever know. Because Magnus knew that if Alec so much as thought about it, the warlock would tear their society apart brick by brick.

* * *

 

He sometimes found himself thinking about the absolute unfairness of shadowhunter society, the utter incompetence and hypocrisy of those in charge, and his magic would flare dangerously. Though more often than not the moments where he was most murderous would be when he was studying the soft, white scars on Alexander’s skin and more often than not Alec would notice and begin to rub soothing circles on Magnus’ arm as though _he_ needed the comfort (he usually did).

Those days were hard, because Magnus could almost accept the way he was treated, he had a knack for underappreciating his own life too, but he also had to knowledge that they knew he knew that if he wanted to, he could kill them. He couldn’t, however, believe that _any_ supposedly superior race could promote hatred and inequality within their own ranks. The amount of pain the man he loved had endured at the hands of people like his own parents who should have loved him no matter what- it was unacceptable. Though Alec would argue against that particular train of thought because he was so fucking loyal-which the clave didn’t deserve- that he could never admit when he was treated like shit even though he knew that they _hated_ who he was. He would always defend his people, even though they’d leave him to rot if they thought it would save their asses.

They didn’t deserve people like Alec. They attempted to sculpt children into soldiers and when that didn’t work, they’d rip them apart piece by agonizing piece until they hated themselves enough to not rebel. Magnus knew Alec attempted to shield his siblings from this uglier side of their society, he also knew Alec had always been told he wasn’t good enough, strong enough…. Just _enough_ to ever be what anyone _really_ wanted and it showed in his actions. For one, the boy had no sense of self preservation. He’d break himself, heart and soul, to help someone else and he’d allow himself to take the brunt of any punishment without complaint to protect his siblings. For some people, like Izzy and Jace, even Clary and Simon now, Magnus had no doubt that if they needed him to give his life, Alec would. Sometimes his chest would physically tighten with the realization that he was also on the small list of people Alec Lightwood would literally kill himself for. As much as he cared for the young man and would do the same in return, Magnus didn’t think he could bear to know Alec would put himself in danger for his wellbeing.

“You’re thinking way too hard.” Alec mumbled, he was laying on the couch, dozing with his head in Magnus’ lap, “I can literally feel you staring at me.”

“Who says I’m staring _and_ thinking about you? Maybe I’m looking at you and thinking about getting another drink. Or maybe I’m thinking about having to get up and deal with Jeb later, or maybe-” Magnus was cut off by Alec sitting up and sleepily pressing their lips together. “See that’s just not fair, now I have to think about you.”

Alec raised an unimpressed eyebrow, though he didn’t reply. Grinning victoriously, Magnus noted some pink to his cheeks; Alexander was easy to mess with and somehow he always seemed to become more and more endearing. Magnus loved him so much it hurt.

The younger man shook his head slightly and rubbed his eyes, “What’s up, Magnus?”

He always knew when Magnus was bothered by something, it was as though that in itself was his superpower. The boy was dense and didn’t usually comprehend social cues, he struggled to articulate his thoughts and express himself, but somehow he’d figured Magnus out. Somehow Alec knew that for all the flamboyance and glitter, for how large a presence the Magnus possessed, he was just as prone to emotional pain as anybody else. And while sometimes he was too unsure of himself to call attention to his boyfriend’s vulnerability, he always _knew_ and often made it a point to be there if Magnus decided to talk about it. It was, again, disgustingly endearing and it filled Magnus with a feeling so soft and tender and _warm_ that if he thought about it for too long, he sometimes had to take a second to put his adoration of Alec in check.

Magnus felt his heart _flutter_ as it always did when Alec said his name in _that_ tone that was both shy and full of absolute fondness that he almost forgot to reply, “If you must know, I _was_ ,” he paused, searching for the right words, “thinking about you,” now he leaned into Alec’s side, if only to ground himself that he was with Alec and he was alive and breathing and safe, “... And the Clave.”

It took only a second for Alec to pick up on _why_ Magnus would be thinking about the Clave’s involvement with his life and he unconsciously rubbed at his arm, “It’s okay, you know. I mean, it- I hate that our reputation was damaged.. But they won’t do anything about us, it-me, my family.”

Magnus scoffed openly at that, “You know they’ll hurt whoever they don’t approve of whenever they want _and_ you know that, barring you, your siblings and Jack, I don’t care about the _Lightwood_ name.”

Alec had long since given up defending Jace to Magnus because he knew there was no genuine malice between them. He said nothing in reply, but he did finally _really_ look at Magnus. He did so with a small frown and a look in his eye that could only be described as heartbroken.

After a few minutes, he softly repeated, “It’s okay.”

“But it isn’t. Your life,” Magnus began, hands shaking as they found their way to Alec’s cheek, “is worth so much more than you know. You,” he paused, “you are worth more than some outdated prejudice.”

Alec shuddered under his touch and avoided eye contact. It wasn’t that they didn’t get emotional with each other, it was that he wasn’t entirely comfortable when anyone placed such value on him as a _person_ and not him as a _soldier._ He was still unused to anyone other than Izzy vocalizing anything to his defense and Magnus knew that he felt as though he didn’t deserve the worry. He was wrong, he deserved only great things, what the clave had given him was insufficient and cruel. Though while Alec was blind to his worth, Magnus was not. Izzy wasn’t. Most people with eyes and a heart saw his value but Alec didn’t. That revelation always brought with it a sense of melancholy. The idea that anyone, let alone Alec himself, didn’t cherish his life was a slap to the face. ‘All because he doesn’t like who _they_ think he should,’ Magnus thought bitterly, ‘all because he challenged their comfortable ignorance.’

“You’re doing it again.” Alec murmured, he hadn’t moved since their last bout of silence. He was good at deflecting when the topic was him, but he never did so when Magnus himself was upset. Sometimes Magnus tried to decide if Alec did that on purpose. Always putting himself last, even when discussing how he always puts himself last. It was ironic.

“I know.”

This time when  Magnus rested his hand on his shoulder, Alec who was clearly also lost in thought, jumped.

Magnus eyed him with a hint of sad amusement and after a moment broke the silence again, “We have to get to a meeting soon, your _dear_ brother cannot wait or surely he’ll dissolve into a puddle of angst.”

With a soft snort, Alec got up, but before he left the room he graced Magnus with a peck on the cheek. It was horribly domestic, and beautifully comfortable- even after previously having such heavy thoughts.

Magnus knew that after years of brainwashing and prejudice, Alec would need time to sort out how he felt about himself. Magnus also knew that it wouldn’t be an easy journey, self-discovery rarely was and he knew from experience that it took a lot to overcome the type of self-hatred that the Clave kindly installed from birth for free. But Magnus also knew that Alexander wouldn’t have to do it alone the way he had.

And maybe that was a solace in and of itself. 


End file.
